Five Reasons Why Men Leave Women They Love

Something fascinating happened the other day that showed me proof of something I’ve known, but didn’t have such striking evidence of til now.

What happened was this…

A woman I know was dating this guy. They had met and immediately hit it off.

For several months they dated and got close. It really felt like a special connection, and the woman thought this could be the one.

As things started to get more serious, the man suddenly had a “shift” in his mood and behavior. Suddenly he was more withdrawn, didn’t seem as excited as before, and didn’t make plans for the future the way he did at first.

This worried the woman, but she tried to shake it off and chalked it up to him going through some challenges and stress in his career. And she was partly right.

One day when she grew tired of wondering where he was at and trying to get into his head she decided it was time to ask him what was really going on. That’s when it happened…

He gave the predictable “I’m not ready” response so many men give. He said he loved her, but he just wasn’t ready and in a place to be in a serious and committed relationship. And that was it. He was ready to move on.

But what was really going on here?

This woman knew her man loved her, and their relationship was in 99% of the ways a great relationship. So why then was it still not enough and had him wanting to be alone instead?

To address all this, I’ll start by letting you know that one of the most common topics women ask me about is: Why do men leave?

Of course, the questions come in a few flavors…

Why do men leave or pull away after they’ve just met a great woman?
Why do men leave when things start getting close and intimate?
Why do men leave one woman then commit to and marry another soon after?
Why do so many men grow restless and mess up a great thing?

Below is one email I received from L.J., a woman who seems destined to face one of these “Why men leave” scenarios if she doesn’t act soon.

I thought I’d share her issue along with my thoughts on the pleasure principle, lost feelings of attraction, co-dependence, creating an emotional experience for your man and a whole lot more.

Ok, here we go…
L.J’s Email to Me

Christian,

I have been seeing my boyfriend for a year and a half and we have a great relationship on all levels (intellectually, physically, etc).

However unfortunately we have been ‘head-bashing’ over a certain problem that keeps resurfacing in our relationship and now it has literally come to a point where he wants “time out”.

I have a problem trusting him and want to always control situations.

I have constantly been giving him nonsense when he socialises with his female friends, and have an insecurity that he will leave me.

It has been very strenuous on him and he actually told me this morning that he wants to be with me but he no longer knows what to do and wants time out of this relationship.

I finally did something right this morning when speaking to him (after reading your email newsletter on control), I listened and said that I understood.

He said we will discuss it further this evening. I am SO LOST! I don’t know what to do to fix this now, and am not sure if this is ‘fixable’.

I REALLY LOVE him and he loves me, but it has been carrying on for so long he doesn’t want to hear excuses anymore.

PLEASE HELP me. What can I do to make this work?

I will be forever grateful for your response!

L.J.

My Response

Ok, I’m going to have to pull out the hammer here because you’re doing the worst of all things – Using your fear and neediness to justify hurting yourself and pushing your guy away.

Here’s what I want you to do…

Please go to the nearest mirror, look yourself dead in the eyes, and then slap yourself hard across the cheek.

Oh, and make sure your boyfriend is watching too, so you can then turn to him, freak out and cry, and then blame him for “making you do it”.

And when he responds by saying, “But you just slapped yourself”…

I want you to freak out even more until he starts to think that something is going really and truly wrong with you.

AND THEN… I want you to get even more upset because now he thinks your crazy… and act even more crazy and emotional as you wonder, “What did I ever do to make him not want to be around me and doubt our future together?”

Once you do all this, then you should be able to recognize that this has roughly the same effect with your boyfriend as your current thinking and behavior.

Follow me here?

I’m being extreme, and I recognize that I need to be in order to make my point so that you really “get it.”

Good. Now we can move on. Let’s get down to it…

I want you to understand that your fear and jealousy is NOT going to go away, EVER, until you decide to get this part of your life handled.

The reality right now is that no matter how good your relationship with a man might be, or how much reassurance you scream and cry to try and get him to give you… it will NEVER be enough for you if you don’t start to handle your own feelings in a healthy way for yourself, and you don’t figure out how to create the kind of TRUST you want in your relationship.

I want you to hear this – these are not things your man can or should figure out for you.

These same insecure, needy, negative feelings that drive men away are going to keep coming up over and over in place after place until you are ALONE again until you, the one who is responsible for these feelings, does something about them that improves your life rather than breaking it apart.

Here are a few important questions you need to consider right now:

How do you think all your negative emotional fears and frustrations are affecting the man in your life
And how do these make him think and feel about you and your relationship?
And what would he tell you and ask you for if he wasn’t afraid of freaking you out, and was open and honest?

Hint- learning to listen and understand a man’s feelings is also a huge part of creating a strong relationship that meets BOTH of your needs.

If you want to learn how to get a man to listen to you better, understand what you’re going through without getting frustrated or angry, and commit to working through it with you and opening up, then I suggest you check out my From Casual To Committed program.

It will show you how to move past RESISTANCE to growth and understanding you’re running into with men in relationships… and let you finally have the close intimacy you’ve wanted but didn’t know how to get to with a man.

If you haven’t recognized it yet, men have a natural RESISTANCE to diving into and sticking to intense emotional situations in relationships. They want to “escape” from this stuff most of the time.

It’s this natural tendency and these areas of RESISTANCE that cause conflict in relationships and lead to men to pull away or leave…. but not when you learn how to avoid triggering this kind of resistance with a man in the first place.

Now… I want you to realize a few important truths about men and the common reasons why they leave relationships with women they like or love.

(By the way, if you’re already at the place where your guy has left your relationship, then you should read this on how to get your boyfriend back.

Ok, here we go…

Why Men Leave Reason #1: The “Pleasure Principle”

Men, and women, generally want to FEEL GOOD in their lives.

And they want to have the people around them be a source of pleasure and comfort and support.

Yourself included.

When you are constantly freaking out on a man for what it is about him that freaks you out, you quickly turn into one of the people that it DOESN’T FEEL GOOD to be around.

And this has a huge impact on whether or not he wants to invest more time, effort, and energy in you and your relationship.

Or if he will decide to give up on trying to fix what’s going on with you so you can both feel good together.

Why Men Leave Reason #2: Emotional Experience And The Future

For a man in a relationship, the ways a woman acts in the “little” situations become indicators of how she’s going to respond when things really are tough and in the future.

So if a woman is consistently negative and emotional… and can’t get herself together even when a man tries to explain things and comfort her… then a man isn’t going to think that things could be any better in the future together.

Why Men Leave Reason #3: Lost Feelings Of Attraction

Love can be important to a man.

But just like a woman, if he doesn’t also keep experiencing the exciting and addictive feelings of CONNECTION and ATTRACTION with the woman he loves… then eventually EVERYTHING ELSE starts to not matter.

When a man doesn’t FEEL that deep level of connection with a woman, at least every so often to remind him of why he’s with her, then he’ll forget why… and the relationship will become just a whole bunch of “work” to him.

Whenever he thinks of his girlfriend, he’ll think of all the problems, frustrations, and negative emotions and experiences… and he’ll see a future and a commitment as something that will make him LESS SATISFIED in his life.

Often times when women are feeling distance or trouble in a relationship, they’ll try to “talk” to a man and work on “the relationship”.

Big mistake if you want to turn things around.

For a man, he wants to do things together (not talk) to know his relationship is working.

Creating a deep level of connection and sharing the attraction you have is one of the most powerful and important keys to giving a man his own reason for wanting to be with you, no matter what.

If you want to learn the secrets to easily creating or recapturing the intense attraction that will have a man asking you for more attention, then check out my Natural & Lasting Attraction program.

It will show you exactly how to get back to sharing intense Physical and Emotional Attraction, and give you the 6 keys to the kind of deep lasting attraction that will keep your relationship moving forward and strong.

Why Men Leave Reason #4: The “Neediness” of Codependence

A man wants to be with a woman that brings something better to his life, not take away his time, energy, and emotional “stability”.

So when a woman doesn’t have much going on for herself in her own life a few things happen.

First, she focuses on her relationship too much as her source of happiness or unhappiness.

You can tell when you’ve done this in your relationships in the past when you’ve said things like:

“I can’t believe how I didn’t hardly ever see any of my friends while we were together.”

…or

“I can’t believe I let him control me that way.”

…or

“I feel so stupid for wasting so much of my time on our relationship, when I could have been doing things for me and my life.”

The reality is that no man and no relationship is capable of being everything to a woman.

And no relationship requires that you sacrifice all your time, life, and energy for it…no matter how much it seems that way.

But our relationships can “trick” us into believing that they need all of our time and attention just to survive.

Not true.

In fact, the way this works is completely COUNTER-INTUITIVE.

Often times men leave a woman because they see that she depends too much on him and has lost her own sources of happiness…

…and this not only looks and feels “needy” to a man, but it keeps the woman from having much to bring into the relationship and add to their lives together.

Why Men Leave Reason #5: “She’s Trying To Fix Me…”

Every few weeks or months I come across someone who says or alludes to the idea that “people don’t change.”

Wrong.

People often change their state of mind in an instant. Especially from happy to sad.

Of course, changing perspectives, opinions, orbeliefs can take a bit longer… but these change quickly too.

A man can and will “change” and compromise for a woman.

It’s a fact.

I see it all the time where men let go of their “bachelor lifestyles” for one special woman, and change a ton about their social lives.

But this only happens when a man has HIS OWN REASONS to change.

It NEVER works, or lasts, if a man simply tries to change for a woman, or for the sake of the relationship.

There’s a rule I like to use in my life when ever I come to a situation where I’m trying to align my own desires or goals with someone else’s:

“All motivation is self-interest.”

In other words, if you’re trying to create a great situation with a man, you’re going to need to understand what HIS REASONS are going to be for doing the work on his end to make it happen.

But lots of women try and get a man to change by showing a man how it affects THEM, not him.

This is the exact opposite of understanding that people are motivated by the things that THEY WANT, and not what others feel and want.

It takes some maturity to accept that other people (men) have their own unique way of seeing things and wanting what they want. (to stay and work things out, or not)

But once you learn to accept these things and start to work with them instead of against them, life gets a whole lot easier.

And a whole lot more fun. So those are 5 of the most common reasons and situations about why men leave women and relationships.

Creating A Lasting “Emotional Connection” With Your Man

One of the most important things underlying all these 5 reasons is the EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE that you create with a man.

I think of the emotional experience that youshare with a man in your relationship as the door through which your relationship will either open up and move forward…

Or on the other hand, as the barrier that causes a relationship to stay shut and go nowhere.

And I look at COMMITMENT as a man and a woman agreeing to open the door together and walk through it.

But the truth is that men don’t COMMIT for the same reasons most women do.

They don’t think about, talk about, or want to walk through the door the same way most women do.

That’s why the “process” by which most men commit is different.

For most women, there’s often a kind of tension and resistance built into moving forward in a relationship with a man.

And I’m not just talking about the spoken words of that make a commitment… but about the “emotional commitment” a man has inside with you.

If a man is deeply committed to you and your relationship on an emotional level, then any “issues” you run into are just going to be “bumps in the road” to him.

And he’ll be confident, comfortable, open, and secure with you in working them out.

But if a man ISN’T “emotionally committed” to you, then each and every little problem is going to cause him to get irritated, frustrated, and have him wanting to blame you and withdraw.

Which is, in turn, going to make things much less CERTAIN for you.

I’ll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in life and love.

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

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