Hereās The TRUE Benefit Of Writing Deep Emotional Love Letters For Him Goes Beyond Just Telling Him How You Feel
Yesterday, a reader emailed me this simple question:
“Should I write him a love letter to tell him how I feel?”
This isnāt the first time Iāve been asked this question – itās actually a more common question than you might expect.
The majority of the time, the question comes from a reader who has confidence issues or is shy and they are using the love letter to their boyfriend as a blanket or shield to protect themselves – in these cases, I typically refer them to passages in my products they have already bought to help them out.
But there is another slice of my readers that ask this question not because they lack the confidence to communicate but because they are trying hard to shift or spark (or maybe even re-spark!) some attraction or interest in their boyfriend.
And thatās exactly where this readerās question was coming from – they were looking to unlock something new and explore new territories of attraction – not hide from the unknown.
ā¦and I bring up this difference right away because itās important to note that if you are writing a love letter because you lack confidence then it will come across needy and awkward and it will absolutely backfire on you (youāll repel that guy and lose him completely). So, if youāre in this group then my answer to your question of ā Should I write him a love letter to tell him how I feel?ā is a quick and absolute NO.
However, if youāre in that other group – then keep readingā¦
Ok. So, hereās the thingā¦
And itās the honest-to-God truth…
I love getting love letters
From the first time I received one in elementary school (which, was probably less of a ālove letterā and more a āI like you letterā) to the present day (and yes, my wife will still leave me hand written notes even after 15 years of marriage) – Iāve always been excited about getting and reading a love letter.
I know Iām unique in this (or, at least, in admitting this) – I know that not every guy appreciates a love letter to him. But I love them.
And to be clear, Iām talking about a hand-written love letter to him – not a text or email or cute emoji that you slide into his DM. I’m talking about an actual handwritten love letter on a physical piece of paper that he can hold and read.
Iām not slamming texting or emailing – that’s my main mode of communication day-to-day.
But the effort it takes to write a physical love letter shifts how a guy feels about the words youāve written to himā¦
Itās the small personal touches that you donāt get with any other type of communicationā¦
Itās the fact that itās just for himā¦
Itās specialā¦
Itās secretā¦
But also, itās how vulnerable love letters are – I mean, when a woman writes a love letter to her boyfriend, she is working through her own emotions then exposing them in a unique, creative and, letās not forget, PERMANENT way. The emotional vulnerability to be able to do this is off the charts.
And that vulnerability, if communicated properly, communicates strength to your man.
Itās confidence
Itās pure feminine energy
And itās the exact thing that sparks deep emotional attraction in a man.
Because, at the end of the day – when a woman asks me āShould I write him a love letter to tell him how I feel?ā – thatās really what sheās asking.
Sheās asking me – āJason Stedman, do you think that writing a love letter to my man is a good way to create deep emotional attraction and make him feel more committed and more in love with me?ā
And this is exactly why I love them and exactly why I think love letters are a valuable tool to have in your kit IF youāre coming from the right place (i.e. not a lack of confidence, not needy).
You know, when my wife and I were about 6 months into our relationship – there was a moment when things started to get rocky.
We were extremely physically attracted to each other, we had a strong emotional connection, and we were on the verge of telling each other that we were in love.
But… at the time, both of us had been traveling and we were away from each other for weeks at a time – and even though we communicated a lot and were very transparent about our feelingsā¦ it just started feeling like this beautiful thing we had been building was getting away from us and that we were probably headed towards a break up.
I felt it.
I know she felt it too.
Now, I donāt have a photographic memory but I can only guess that I started to do what most guys do when this happens – I probably started pulling away.
Maybe I called her less.
Maybe I was a bit of a jerk here and there.
Honestly, I donāt know and I canāt remember.
But hereās what I do rememberā¦
Before she left on another trip, she wrote me a love letter (I still have it in my desk – maybe one day Iāll get permission to post the whole thing for you to see)
She wrote a letter telling me how I made her feel when she was around me.
She told me the change she felt the first time we met and how every time we were together, it reinvigorated that thing (that feeling) that had shifted inside her.
She talked about how much she loved hearing my ideas and how she loved how excited sheād get thinking about our lives together – what it might be like to have these conversations 50 years in the future, when we were old.
And then she included three polaroids of us that she had taken in the first week we started dating.
Iāve got to tell you – that letter hit my heart hard.
It RADICALLY changed how I felt in the moment and immediately drew me back to the positive emotional place I had been before things started to get rocky.
And Iāll tell you this – it felt [weirdly] inspiringā¦
The fact that this girl had the strength to write a love letter; expose her feelings this way and convey to me the type of emotions that she did – I was floored. And I wanted to reciprocate that type of emotion and emotional BRAVERY.
And I just want to put a fine point on this – her letter not only pulled me back in with emotional attraction but it INSPIRED ME.
And this happened because she wasnāt asking for anything, she wasnāt being needy, she wasnāt looking for reaffirmation – she was TELLING ME how she felt. And she was telling me how I was improving her life and how she wanted that to continue to happen.
But she wasnāt asking me to do more and she also wasnāt saying that sheād crumble or be unhappy without me.
And If you want to write a love letter to your man – this is the most critical piece to understand.
Hereās the other thing to know about the process of writing a love letter to your boyfriend – in the process of being vulnerable, you also get clarity on what you want.
Now, this didnāt happen in the example I just shared (with my wife and I) but itās a fairly common occurrence that, as you are thinking through your letter, you realize this guy IS or ISN’T the guy you want to be with.
Honestly – getting this clarity might even be more important than having the letter spark emotional attraction.
And again – I just want to repeat that we are talking about a person who is writing from a place of confidence (not need).
One other thing, as youāre walking through what you want to tell him in the letter, youāre going to start thinking through questions like:
- Why you are writing this letter?
- How he makes you feel?
- Stories or examples of when he makes you feel special?
- What your future might look like with him?
ā¦in the process of thinking through these answers, you might come to the unfortunate conclusion that this guy isnāt living up to your standards.
That heās not mature enough for you
Heās not giving you enough emotional support or feedback
Heās not committed to a future with you
And reallyā¦ youāve just been settling because it was easier than starting over
While that is a tough place to end up (especially if your intention was to write a letter to bring you closer together)… the clarity of this conclusion is going to make you a happier person and help you find the person that is right for you, faster.
Let me leave you with a few considerations, as you start to gather your thoughts and feelings and then put pen-to-paper:
- Talk about you and your feelings – don’t make the letter about him and don’t make the letter just a passive aggressive way of trying to tease out his feelings for you. The counter-intuitive thing is that when you write a love letter to someone else, it’s actually really about YOU and your feelings
- Talk about his role – the letter might be about you and your feelings but just like any story, you want to suck the reader in… and the best way to do this is to make that person a character in your story. So, as you talk about your feelings for him, tell him the role he’s playing in creating those feelings
- BE confident – don’t back down from your feelings and don’t hide what you really want to say. This is going to feel tough and you’re going to feel vulnerable but it’s critical that you let it out there and that you write with confidence.
- Donāt ask for anything – again, don’t be needy. Don’t use this letter as a way to find validation. Don’t say “I love you” but then turn around and say “I just wish you would do more of… (fill in the blank)”. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t ever ask for anything – I’m saying, a love letter is not the right forum”
- Thank him – just that simple. Just thank him for being who he is. Don’t overthink it, don’t over-complicate it… just thank him.
- And most importantly, you have to know yourself – while I don’t think you have to be the next Shakespeare in order to write a simple love letter, you do have to be aware of your ability to be transparent and open and confident with yourself about how you feel… and then know that you’re comfortable in write that honesty down on paper. If you’re not that person, that’s ok… but maybe a love letter to tell him how you feel isn’t where you want to start
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All the happiness in life and love,
Jason