When you’re in love, commitment should feel like the natural and logical next stepsā¦ but sometimes it’s a roadblock. Here’s how to navigate around that roadblock.
Hereās some truth for you:
Women will often complicate the commitment process with a man because they are terrified of losing the man they love.
Iām not saying EVERY woman and EVERY relationship.
But it happens much more often than you think it does – and I can almost guarantee you, that youāve probably done it as well.
And I KNOW that it stems from a lack of outward emotional communication on the guys’ part – this is a common problem with even the most emotionally aware and committed men.
So, if youāre with a guy who isnāt super emotionally aware (i.e. 90% of men in the world) and youāre falling (or have fallen) for this guy and are looking for a deeper and more long term commitment from him then it could feel like youāre being freezed out or that heās just not going to be interested in commitment.
And this is about the point when women will start to push and lose confidence and come across as needy.
Theyāll start to overthink commitment with a man to its death.
But the truth is that commitment with a man can be much simpler.
In fact… It can be pretty darn basic.
And again, I want to be clear – I am not talking about EVERY possible scenario and EVERY relationship. More than anyone, I know the complexity of the dynamics between men and women and I know there are many, many, many different scenarios in which a woman is struggling with getting commitment from her man.
BUTā¦ hereās the thing.
In almost every scenario or relationship dynamic that Iāve encountered and coached women through, there are common themes that crop up. For the purpose of this post, I’m going to focus on the common POSITIVE themes (not the mistakes) – and it boils down to these 3 basic things that you have to show to a man:
- Self confidence
- A vision for YOUR future (I’m going to repeat YOUR future… not the relationship’s future)
- A love without boundaries
And to translate that into whatās going on in the manās mind when these feels are communicated properly, it means he’s thinking:
- She’s showing me her strength
- She’s showing me that sheās got a plan for her life with or without me (I don’t have to carry that burden)
- She’s not making me feel pressure or trying to sucker me into a decision
- Sheās telling me that we wonāt get boring
So, letās cut right to itā¦
How Do You Get Him To Commit?
And more importantly, how do you get him to commit without him feeling pressure? How do you get him to commit without him feeling like heās getting forced into commitment?
Well, I canāt think of a better example than what my wife did about 3 years into our relationshipā¦
To be completely transparent, I have to point out that I am not (nor have ever been) a ācommitment phobicā guy (although, I will have an upcoming post on the myths about commitment and how being āphobicā is one of them) and I also have always been a little more in touch with my emotional side than most men.
But that doesnāt mean that commitment was easy for me or, even, that when I knew my wife was special and that I loved herā¦ that I was ready to roll out the red carpet and fully commit and get married.
It was still a process for me to commit and I still had a lot of uncertainty as we moved forward.
But my wife is brilliant. And she saw what was going on in my male mind.
And Iāll never be sure if she laid out a plan or not butā¦
Here are the 3 things my wife said that got me to commit to her without feeling pressured into the decision.
#1 You help me be a better version of myself – you inspire me
Every guys struggles with his purpose in life – I talk a lot about this in my In The Mind Of A Man program. Central to this struggle is a man feeling like he’s having an impact on the world and the people around him. It’s actually a very nuanced and difficult thing to go through (both as a man and as the person in that man’s life) – and the struggle can manifest itself in many ways; some healthy (like working hard to achieve a higher goal or better the world at large) and some not-so-healthy (like a man feeling he needs to have control and power).
But the important thing for you is to understand that this struggle exists and to know that you can leverage it for good. By saying “you help me be a better version of myself” and telling me that I inspire her… what she subconsciously communicated to me is that I am having an impact in her life and that I am important… that I have a purpose.
#2 Iāve never met someone who made me so curious
This might be the sneakiest trick my wife every played on me… I mean, I am sure she wouldn’t phrase it that way (and probably wouldn’t like that I am calling it a “sneaky trick”)… but it kind of was.
A huge thing for a guy (when it comes to commitment) is knowing that things aren’t going to go stale. In the back of every guys mind, he’s got this story about how after you’ve been in a relationship for a long time or made a commitment or you’ve gotten married… that things will just turn into a boring routine. The fun is gone, everything is predictable, the only time you talk is when you’re nagging each other and anything that happens in the bedroom is just out of necessity.
And look… the truth is, a lot of relationship do end up that way.
But that isn’t BECAUSE OF THE WOMAN anymore than it is because of the man… it’s a collective laziness that occurs – no one person is to blame.
And it doesn’t HAVE to end that way – mine didn’t. The relationships of the woman I’ve helped didn’t.
And what my wife was signaling to me when she said that was that THINGS WILL BE EXCITING – she was telling me that I made her curious and she wanted to explore our relationship, each other and the world, endlessly. She was telling me that she was ready for a life that got us excited to see what the next day would bring us.
And she was also signaling something else – that IF the relationship grew old, tired, bored and lazy… that was MY fault. Because she had just told me that she was going to keep interested and curious.
#3 I love you but Iāll be ok without you
Most men have been indoctrinated since the moment they were born to grow up and be the provider — this is a whole ball of wax that I’ll tackle in subsequent blog posts and it is neither inherently good nor bad… but what it definitely is (for a man) is an ever-present burden that can cause unintended behaviors when you’re not aware or in control of this fact.
…and my wife, she was totally attuned to this fact and to that burden that I carried. She knew that, as a man, I felt responsible for her happiness — that if she wasn’t happy and secure and successful that this was a direct reflection of my inability to be a good boyfriend, a good husband, a good man.
What she communicated by telling me that she’d be ok without me WASN’T that she didn’t love me or that she didn’t want me in her life… but rather, that she did love me, that she did want me in her life but that I didn’t need to carry the burden of being the only way she could fine happiness, success and safety in her life
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All the happiness in life and love,
Jason