Hereās why the behavior of emotionally insecure men can have a ripple effect on your relationshipā¦ and what you can do about it
I donāt want to bury the lead, so letās get it out of the way – hereās what you need to know, right off the bat:
Men push away anything that makes them feel insecure
Sit with that for a second
I want you to really think about that (visualize it) and think about the far reaching implications of this statement – Emotionally insecure men push everything in their life away.
Think of all the times youāve been wondering what is going on inside his head as you feel him walling himself off from you. Wonderingā¦
Is it me?
Did something change?
Did I miss something?
Was this ever even real to begin with or have I just been fooling myself the whole time?
Should I even bring this up with him? Maybe Iām just making this all up? Maybe Iām being crazy?
ā¦if youāve been in that place before then you know, those are hard times.
Believe me I get it – Iāve had women shut me out before in the same way and it felt like every waking moment I was on the border of a panic attack and it was all I could think of.
Which is why I want to get back to this idea: Men push away anything that makes them feel insecure
Because it helps you reframe whatās actually going on and helps you tap into whatās going on inside the male mind to then change your behavior and change the outcome of your relationship
And I want to be clear, emotionally insecure men come in all different flavors – youāve got the shy guy, the overly (and artificially) confident guy, the super controlling guy and the all-too-common distant (or disappearing) guy.
But the underlying core behavior to all these types of insecure guys is that they are actively pushing away anything in their life that makes them feel insecure
I also want to be clear that this isnāt the only reason that men donāt make themselves emotionally available or push women away – this isnāt a one-to-one cause and effect relationship. Iāve talked about many times in my book and products, about why men pull away and all the reasons that women can accidentally trigger an unconscious withdrawal in men.
But right now, Iām talking about something different
Something that stems not from anything that YOU have done but from HIS emotional blind spot.
And for the purpose of this post, I want to talk about one specific flavor of the emotionally insecure male – Iāll address the other flavors in subsequent posts but for now, I want to zero in on the ādistantā or ādisappearingā guy.
You know, the guy that has gone completely cold on you
ā¦and you can just feel it – heās not going to call to set up another date or, if youāre already in a relationship, you know heās going to try to end it.
So, letās talk about whatās going on here
Guys (…and yes, there are exceptions, but I am talking about the “average” male) are taught to be tough. Iām sure this comes as no surprise.
Many of us grew up hearing the phrase āsuck it upā when we got hurt – tears were not an option. And honestly, even if you were a boy in a family that āallowedā crying – you were peer pressured into āsucking it up.ā
Add to that, boys are often taught to protect others (specifically, we were taught to protect any family members or girls) – we are the stronghold, we are the warriors. Right??
Now, Iām not here to have a discussion about whether this type of upbringing is right or wrong (thatās a job for parenting experts) but what I want to highlight here is how this type of upbringing avoids any deep emotional discovery.
But what I want to show is that, because of this upbringing, most men lack the basic tools to grapple with any emotional awareness with any level of depth.
They simply donāt know how to let themselves feel emotion or what it means even if they did let themselves feel that emotion.
That lack of knowledge, that unknowing is terrifying to man.
Honestly, Iād say itās near crippling.
And that crippling feeling in a man most commonly happens when a man is TRULY and ACTUALLY falling deeply in love with a woman
Let me say that againā¦
A man who is emotionally insecure because they were never taught to develop the tools to handle their own deep feelings will encounter near crippling terror at the exact point when they start to fall deeply and truly in love with the woman of their dreams.
This guy that is supposed to be the undeterred, ironclad protector is now cast into a sea of deep emotional uncertainty and he has no idea what to do because heās never been taught
And so what does he do?
He attacks the problem by severing the connection and he runs to safety.
HOW HEROIC!!!! š
ā¦but the reality is, all YOU see is a man suddenly changing his behavior, growing cold and moving the relationship towards a breakup.
And hereās where the counterintuitive consequence comes in – his feelings of insecurity drive you to become insecure because youāve got no idea why heās changed.
Further, because you are now feeling insecure – you start doing the very things that I talk about in book and programs that drive good men away.
And then it becomes an ugly, inescapable, cyclical pattern of behavior between the both of you that, almost always, leads to a break up.
So, how can you avoid all of this?
Youāve got a good guy, youāre both falling in loveā¦ how do you prevent this downward spiral from occurring?
The reality is that itās easier than you might think
And to be clear, youāre not going to reprogram a guyās emotional intelligence overnight – but you can, fairly easily, prevent him from running away from his own emotionsā¦ which is a great start to a larger change for him.
Hereās 3 things you can implement today to make progress:
Create A Safe Space
For both men and women, talking about love and commitment and relationship issues can often come from a needy place – both men and women ask questions or want to ātalkā because they āneed to knowā some information to make themselves feel better.
Donāt do this!
Instead, talk to him with a sense of genuine curiosity and exploration. It might seem like a subtle shift but it has a huge impact with guys. To this day, even I will quickly emotionally shut down if I sense the discussion is starting from a needy place.
But when you create a space where he feels he can just let himself talk without judgment or barriers, suddenly things start to open up.
The top layers of the onion start to peel away.
To be clear, this isnāt a one time deal. Creating this space and having these moments need to continually happen over the course of weeks or months or years before you finally get to a place where you see change.
And if that sounds too difficult, too long to wait for change then donāt worry – because on your way to progress, youāll also be preventing him from becoming more distant. And that’s a reward in-and-of itself.
Heās All You Need
Hereās something so simple that you wonāt believe it works
But hereās the thing – it does…
It really, really does…
And honestly, it works with both men and women.
Just let him know that all you need is for him to be himself. You love him for just him.
You donāt need him to be what his friends want or what his parents want or what his boss wants – you donāt need him to be a hero or a warrior.
YOU JUST NEED HIM
Just as he is and that makes you feel happy and calm and you glow around him.
ā¦and believe me, I KNOW you want to hear the same thing from him – but until heās more emotionally secure, he might be able to tell you this.
And again, this isnāt just a one time thing – set a reminder on your phone because you want to be telling him this two times a week.
Keep It Joyful
While Iām not going to dig into this deeply on this post BUT I do talk a lot about being playful and joyful in my books and programs.
Being joyful and playful around a man is disarming.
Creating an environment of play almost puts guys into an altered state of mind. A state of mind where they are much more willing to partake in activities and discussions that they normally wouldnāt even consider.
I like to think of being playful and creating a safe space as the ultimate 1-2 punch – you create an environment of play that puts him into an altered state and primes him for entering a safe space where he is now able to communicate without judgment.
Using these simple tools will help you settle him from feeling terrified (by his own emotions) and allow you to extract what heās feeling more easily. That process of extraction will further settle his fears (as we always say āit feels good to get that off my chestā when we finally SAY what weāve been feeling) and it also settles YOUā¦ because now you know how he feels (and you donāt have to worry)
One final thingā¦
Once he tells you how he feels, I encourage you to repeat back to him what heās just told you.
I know that sounds weird (and it kind of is) but hereās the thing, sometimes people donāt really āget itā (even if they are the ones that said it) until they hear it.
So, even if he was able to confess his fears around his deep love for you – he might not be able to internalize it (and fix it) until he hears it repeated back.
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All the happiness in life and love,
Jason